TruTori “Tori Finds Her Voice”

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The nitty gritty is starting to appear when watching episode 3, “Tori Finds Her Voice.”

In a therapy session with Dr. Wexler, Dean admits to why he cheated on Tori with Emily Goodhand. This is one of the common reason why men cheats on their partners:

He has unreasonable expectations. He believes that his spouse should meet his every sexual and emotional need, 24/7, without fail. In his narcissistic and self-focused way, he doesn’t understand that his spouse may be juggling multiple priorities (kids, work, home, finances) in addition to him and the relationship. When this spouse inevitably fails him (in his view), he feels entitled to seek intimate attention elsewhere.
(https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/201310/the-10-reasons-why-men-cheat).

This is explicitly discuss in this episode. In the Psychology Today article that I cited after using one of the reasons why men cheat on their partners, there are several other reasons listed why men cheat on their partners. And the first several of those reasons, with the one I included above, describes why Dean also cheated. Yet, I wanted to focus on the one above because this reason is discussed in this episode a lot more. Some of the other reasons are verbalized by Dean but not specifically as the unreasonable expectations reason.

Dean admits to Tori that one reason he cheated is because she does not pay attention enough to him. He tells her that she does not look at him with adoration. He even admitted that this plays into his insecurities to why she married him. He does not think that he is good enough for her. He feels like when he married her that’s when he started getting movie roles, and his success is not his own because he’s married her. He also shared with Tori and Dr. Wexler that he feels like a piece of shit for hurting her by cheating on her. Also, Dean admits that he felt like they were not having enough sex, and sex slowed down after the children. Tori responds that she feels very rejected especially when Dean tells her and Dr. Wexler that they were having sex several times a day.

As Tori and Dr. Wexler point out to Dean, his expectations are unrealistic or unreasonable. Due to Dean’s unrealistic expectations, he sought attention somewhere else in a form of intimate betrayal to his wife. It is mind-blowing for me to see an actual individual in previously recorded real time admitting that he was not getting enough attention in the form of sex and adoration to in why he cheated. Again, I do not condone Dean’s actions at all. Yet, now, I understand more prevalently why many folks cheat. They feel as if, as Tori says on camera when trying to do Dr. Wexler’s letter writing assignment, they were jilted when they get into the relationship/marriage—especially if they convinced their spouses to make promises that nothing will get in the way of the relationship particularly when they have children.

Having a child or having children does change a relationship dynamic. You have other people to care for now, and sometimes, what you had…it changes over time. Unrealistically, a person may not be able to have sex with you five times a day. A person, realistically, may not be able to dedicate that time to you because that time will get replaced with carrying for kids or carrying for you in a different way because you do have children.

Dean cheating on Tori is selfish. I am sure there was a pattern when he cheated on Mary Jo Eustace. Relating to what I wrote in “The Fairytale Falls Apart,” when folks have issues, they have to identify that they have issues and accept that they do have issues to start the process of changing. One cannot change and expect it to happen overnight. And usually, a person will not admit that he/she has an issue until he/she hits rock bottom.

Tori is right. Typically, children is supposed to aid in helping parents evolve into better people. However, when parents have past experiences that are haunting them—and not confronting them, it is hard for them to completely evolve when they are allowing past issues to hold them back when they are do not want to confront them but continuously running away from them.

Best,
S

TruTori “The Truth Comes Out”

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I learn from “The Truth Comes Out” about how Tori has a difficult time grappling with this happening to her even though she lets pieces of information out about how she thought in the back of her mind that Dean would eventually cheat.

I believe the more that Tori is exposed to the reality of her marriage was in crisis long before the cheating, the more she realizes that her marriage was not the fairytale that she wanted it to be. To truly understand why this happened, she will need to take responsibility in how her marriage started (and that is seen in the last episodes and the second season’s episodes as well). Again, her marriage to Dean was based on having an affair with Dean while of them were married. The reality is that their relationship was emerged from a foundation of both of them hurting their former spouses. Even if the fairytales were reality, Tori and Dean already broke the foundational standards on how an honest relationship starts. To me, an individual can commit to another individual if he/she doesn’t deal with it completely in how they hurt the other person. Falling in love and having a connection is not enough to when both people have not faced the complete reality in what they did in their former marriages/relationships. I hope what Tori has realized after this docuseries has aired is that an individual is better in accepting the reality of a situation instead of holding on to what they think a situation and/or person should be.

What was striking was when Dean and Tori had their first therapy session as a couple after the affair with Dr. Lisa Wexler. Dr. Wexler told Dean that he will need to listen to Tori and support her feelings when she expresses how she feels about him cheating on her. Dean launches into how he feels and how worthless he felt at the time—even admitting that he wanted to commit suicide. In this episode, he has a long way to go because he does make it about him. However, I don’t expect him to all the sudden change. A person cannot change after one therapy session. The reason why it is called therapy is to give people the tools that they need so they can keep recovering from the bad choices they make.

This applies to Tori as well. The bad choices that Tori has made is to internalize her feelings. Dr. Wexler encourages her to make sure that she expresses her feelings about the affair. Tori is not just a mother and a wife. She is a human being, and she needs the tools to recover from the emotional pain of keeping silent about her feelings. In the beginning of the episode, Tori and Dr. Wexler talk about how Tori has to find her voice. Not only for her sake but for her two daughter’s sakes, Stella and Hattie. As a daughter myself, I know how that feels. Dr. Wexler telling Tori that children mimic their parents is right. I was mimicking some of my mom’s ways and didn’t even know it until I was older, and it done on me. To break any cycle, we have to recognize what we do to others is an outward expression of how we feel about ourselves internally.

S

TruTori “The Fairytale Fall Apart

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When TruTori came out in response of Dean McDermott having an affair with Emily Goodhand on Tori Spelling, everyone formed their opinions. There were many “I told you all that he would cheat on her. What was she thinking? Really? She cheated on her first husband, and he cheated on his first wife. The foundation of their marriage was built on getting together by hurting their respective spouses—not on being soulmates.”

As I re-watch the series again, I am looking at this past scandal in a new light. I am not agreeing that an affair should be condone, but it should be examined to why the other person would cheat on the other person.

Starting with the beginning of Season 1, Episode 1, I’ve gained insight to why Tori Spelling decided to do a documentary about what she was going through.

Am I a fool to call her brave or courageous?

Yes, right now, there are folks having affairs. And the old aged question is why? Why would someone have an affair? There are many reasons why people have an affair, but usually, the common denominator to why someone has an affair. It usually because he or she is not satisfied with himself or herself. People say, oh he or she wasn’t satisfied in their marriage. That is true, but I believe the root of the majority of affairs stem from a person not accepting how they are. That they ar dissatisfied with themselves. This comes to play in the next episode when Dean confirms how he self-loathes himself.

However, what is exposed in “The Fairytale Falls Apart” is that Tori believed that she got her fairytale with her soulmate. This is problematic for many reasons. Here is a few.

For one, let’s be reminded what a fairytale truly is. Fairytales are stories where happy endings occur after all the bad shit has gone down with two people who are meant to be. We see in Cinderella that Cinderella had an unhappy life with her stepmother and stepsisters. They threw shade at her and thought that they were better than her. However, that’s when a fairy godmother comes into her life and tells her that she is meant to go to the ball because she is very special. Cinderella goes to the ball, meets the prince, the prince is infatuated by her presence and her beauty, but she must get home from the stroke of midnight. As she is hurrying, her glass slipper is lost where the prince finds it while chasing after her.

The next day, the prince wants to find Cinderella, and he has her show as a clue to help with the discovery. As he goes house to house asking about the slipper and women try it on, he goes to Cinderella’s house. Of course, the stepsisters try to try it on, but it doesn’t feet their feet because it is a special made glass slipper. When Cinderella puts it on, it fits her feet perfectly. The prince has found his mate, they marry, and live happily ever after.

Yet, in reality for humans, that ain’t so. Even though you feel a connection to a person, it doesn’t mean that what you have with them is a fairytale. That is right. Feeling a connection to a person, and even being his/her soulmate, does not guarantee that they are going to be faithful, or they won’t commit a major screw up. As I said, I do not CONDONE cheating, but holding someone to your standards instead of not accepting who they really are, will bite you in the rear sometime in the future unless you and your mate realize that these are issues that you both commit yourself to admit and working on (that means each person admits that they have issues about themselves and want to put effort in working on them) or you keep ignoring them thinking that they will just get better over time.

Tori ignored the signs because she was in denial, she thought that matters would get better over time, or she believe that Dean would admit that he has many problems and was willing to change. She may have believed that they are soulmates, and he wouldn’t betray her. Yet, when one hardly knows himself or herself and does not recognize that his/her behavior is destructive, it is until he/she does something majorly destructive is when they recognize it.

What Dean’s affair exposes is that there are many deep rooted issues with Dean and Tori. I did feel for Tori. No, I really did feel for Tori. I could tell in the series that the affair has taken a toll on her psyche. I could tell Dean’s affair played with her mind. She couldn’t really sit down and think about it, or she didn’t want to, and taking care of her children helped with that. It helped with easing her mind from being tormented in why she wasn’t enough. I cannot completely understand what she went through, but I understand betrayal. I understand when you trust a person so much, and he/she turns on you. All your insecurities of who you are as a person comes out because you think that you were not good enough to trust or good enough to be a friend or a partner with. However, I hope that Tori has learned that betrayal means that something is not wrong with YOU. It is usually something wrong with the other person—the betrayer themselves.

Another problem of fairy tales is that Cinderella and Prince Charming—their story was uncomplicated, but life is very complicated and complex. Couples’ lives are very complicated.

I see that as I watched the first episode. When Dean is getting treatment in rehab, Tori is taking care of the children, but it is a lot of work. As she keeps saying, it is easier when Dean is there. She is right. It is easier when you have a support system, especially an intimate partner and best friend, your spouse, to help take care of matters. Rupert and I did not have children, but I do recognize him being my partner makes many things easier for me. He likes grocery shopping. I don’t care for it. He does most of it. He hates paying the bills. I am in charge of that. We take turns cooking.

I always said if my partner/spouse cheated on me I am out of there. However, as I’ve grown older, I cannot simply say that anymore. To tell you the truth, depending on if we could truly work matters out, I would stay with the person. Why? Well, it is an investment. You’ve made a major investment in a person. Even though you may not have children with them, it is still an emotional investment. I understand her girlfriends saying that she needs to leave him and such. Yet, I agree with Tori. It is more complicated than that. When you have invested several years of marriage, it is a lot to think about (for me it is). When you have kids involved in the mix, you do consider carefully whether you should stay with a person who has had an indiscretion or indiscretions. I am not saying a partner that is being abused should stay with someone because he/she has invested many years with the person and/or he/she has children (and those are reasons why an abusive partner stays but that’s another essay). . All I am saying is that if a person does decide to stay with a partner, don’t slam him/her for it. It is complicated. Some indiscretions can be forgiven if the other person who caused them gets help.

What I learned from this episode is that folks should not judge Tori. I also think that she is braved for putting this on television. You have to empathize with her. Dean’s affair was reported to the media. What else you do? Sit and become silent? No, she decided to tell her own truth. I have to respect her for that.

Cheers,
S