The nitty gritty is starting to appear when watching episode 3, “Tori Finds Her Voice.”
In a therapy session with Dr. Wexler, Dean admits to why he cheated on Tori with Emily Goodhand. This is one of the common reason why men cheats on their partners:
He has unreasonable expectations. He believes that his spouse should meet his every sexual and emotional need, 24/7, without fail. In his narcissistic and self-focused way, he doesn’t understand that his spouse may be juggling multiple priorities (kids, work, home, finances) in addition to him and the relationship. When this spouse inevitably fails him (in his view), he feels entitled to seek intimate attention elsewhere.
This is explicitly discuss in this episode. In the Psychology Today article that I cited after using one of the reasons why men cheat on their partners, there are several other reasons listed why men cheat on their partners. And the first several of those reasons, with the one I included above, describes why Dean also cheated. Yet, I wanted to focus on the one above because this reason is discussed in this episode a lot more. Some of the other reasons are verbalized by Dean but not specifically as the unreasonable expectations reason.
Dean admits to Tori that one reason he cheated is because she does not pay attention enough to him. He tells her that she does not look at him with adoration. He even admitted that this plays into his insecurities to why she married him. He does not think that he is good enough for her. He feels like when he married her that’s when he started getting movie roles, and his success is not his own because he’s married her. He also shared with Tori and Dr. Wexler that he feels like a piece of shit for hurting her by cheating on her. Also, Dean admits that he felt like they were not having enough sex, and sex slowed down after the children. Tori responds that she feels very rejected especially when Dean tells her and Dr. Wexler that they were having sex several times a day.
As Tori and Dr. Wexler point out to Dean, his expectations are unrealistic or unreasonable. Due to Dean’s unrealistic expectations, he sought attention somewhere else in a form of intimate betrayal to his wife. It is mind-blowing for me to see an actual individual in previously recorded real time admitting that he was not getting enough attention in the form of sex and adoration to in why he cheated. Again, I do not condone Dean’s actions at all. Yet, now, I understand more prevalently why many folks cheat. They feel as if, as Tori says on camera when trying to do Dr. Wexler’s letter writing assignment, they were jilted when they get into the relationship/marriage—especially if they convinced their spouses to make promises that nothing will get in the way of the relationship particularly when they have children.
Having a child or having children does change a relationship dynamic. You have other people to care for now, and sometimes, what you had…it changes over time. Unrealistically, a person may not be able to have sex with you five times a day. A person, realistically, may not be able to dedicate that time to you because that time will get replaced with carrying for kids or carrying for you in a different way because you do have children.
Dean cheating on Tori is selfish. I am sure there was a pattern when he cheated on Mary Jo Eustace. Relating to what I wrote in “The Fairytale Falls Apart,” when folks have issues, they have to identify that they have issues and accept that they do have issues to start the process of changing. One cannot change and expect it to happen overnight. And usually, a person will not admit that he/she has an issue until he/she hits rock bottom.
Tori is right. Typically, children is supposed to aid in helping parents evolve into better people. However, when parents have past experiences that are haunting them—and not confronting them, it is hard for them to completely evolve when they are allowing past issues to hold them back when they are do not want to confront them but continuously running away from them.